Today was hard. I feel completely self centered to even admit it, that nothing bad happened, but today was so difficult. I am sure guys have a version of “this” day, but the girl version.. or “Alexis” version went like this:
I spent the first 30 minutes of my day icing my face, because I woke up with throbbing cheeks. When I get stressed, I get the worst acne. I felt beyond ugly, repulsive, really. Through out the day I couldn’t help but remember what I looked like and how makeup didn’t stand a chance against these guys… its bad. But this mindset, this feeling of inadequacy started to seep into everything.. I feel fat, I’m way too short, maybe I can’t even sing and people have just been telling me this for years because its all I’ve got…? Lets not even get started with the pressures of social media and perfection….
Knowing who I am, finding my anchor in people’s approval is tempting. And somedays I fail to keep my identity where it should be.
When I came home, I just turned on some worship music and did the dishes hoping that it would fade away and I could pull myself together without having to admit these emotions to anyone. “We Dance” Live by Steffany Frizzell Gretzinger began to play.
“You steady me, slow and sweet. We sway, You take the lead and I will follow. Finally ready now, to close my eyes and just believe, that you won’t lead me where You don’t go.
When my faith feels tired, and my hope seems lost. You spin me round and round and remind me of that song, the one you wrote for me.
Oh, and I will lock eyes with the one whose ransomed me, the One who gave me Joy for mourning. I will lock eyes with the one who has chosen me, who set my feet to dancing.”
In that moment, “Why don’t you ask me what I think of you?” whispered in my heart. A few tears, journal pages full, and heart overflowing later.. Im laying on my bedroom floor sobbing over the kindness, and love of God once again. Every word He whispered back to my heart, difficult to write because somedays I don’t believe I am these things, these qualities. But the thing I loved most, is that not one word had anything to do with outward appearance. Each word had everything to do with the steadfastness of my heart, and my willingness to chase after Him. Locking eyes with Him, will always cure the need for perfection, the need to please others, or to be “enough”.
To not get caught up in the appearance, and the want to be “perfect” isn’t easy, it feels nearly impossible. But I am reminded again to never believe what the world says, even the things your “friends” or family may say about you. Our identity comes from our creator and no one else. You don’t even have to believe what you think about yourself.
Lock eyes with Him, the one who created you.. What does He think of you, of your heart? Ask Him, you may be surprised.